My sheets look like a crime scene.
Canada just beat USA, the sad part they still need us to make money so who really won
all but 2 of were put on probation for disorderly conduct. i know, visiting a hospital when your drunk is really stupid but it seemed like such a good idea at the time
swear to god, "it seemed like a good idea at the time" is gonna be on your epitaph
You ordered 6 boxes of pizza and laughed in the pizza guys face when you didn't pay for any of them.
I liked a picture of him with his pants around his ankles, if that doesn't say I'm into you, I don't know what does.
I feel like I was dropped out of a helicopter. Through the propeller.
We're Scorpios. We're like dogs rolling in whatever smells good to us.
A milkman. But instead of milk I'm delivering marijuana. And instead of a milk truck it's an armored car.
You're a weed delivery man, in an armored car?
I stole an accordion from the bar
Accidentally
I'm having ragrets about stealing the accordion
If he gets me coffee, cold or no I'll make him see Jesus with my mouth.
Matched with the lumberjack. Here's your wedding invite.
I'll be wearing lingerie and holding a bottle of bourbon so pick up whatever food you think goes with that
I seriously feel like I just crawled out from under a shit covered rock. I'm NEVER drinking like that again...well, not for alteast a solid 3 hours.
THERE ARE NO EMOJIS TO SHOW MY SEXUAL FRUSTRATION
Only you could get too drunk for taco bell. I don't know if I'm jealous or ashamed. Go to bed.
Randomize
