if your leaving for the weekend then im farting on your pillow
First thing she said after sex was.. are you baptised by chance?
and that's how I found out my dad doesn't believe in towels... holiday magic.
There is an old man sitting across from me. Phone rang and his ringtone is children giggling, I'm not safe here.
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when I woke up I found a half-eaten cherry toaster strudel sandwich with bacon in the middle.
yeah except there is a correlation between drinking moonshine and going blind, which kind of concerns me
why is my underwear the only thing i was wearing that smells like vodka?
We're using joints as your birthday candles
Idk. I was speaking metaphorically. Go for it. As one of your bad decisions, I feel confident in saying you've done worse.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
a pizza costume came into my possession last night. needless to say i showed up to his house wearing only the pizza, shouting "delivery" into his window.
note: just because the casino is called bourbon street, it doesn't mean you can puke and keep walking and no one will care. chalk me up for another 86
I know. In fairness he did tell me to throw up out his window onto his roof so I don't think he's pissed at me but I'm still mortified by the whole situation.
And the sexual frustration is like I'm wearing a damn horcrux
I really don’t want to have kids.
I thought we agreed we were done with dirty talk for the day
It's one of the few times I hit fuck it levels of not caring
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