So.. my mom just told me she hasn't gotten laid in 7 years... I'm really disturbed.. at the same time... At least now I know why shes so damn cranky all the damn time
Please don't tell me you're asking me to have sex with your mother.
Just met someone from Jersey. No fist pumps or jagerbombs. Kind of disappointed...
Lindsay lohan: road to jail is on E tonight. Bring vodka we are not missing an opportunity to make a drinking game out of this
Just woke up with three stitches in my left boob. Nevertheless, I think I'm going to like this school.
His rich uncle has six months to live. I feel pregnant.
Sign out of Gchat. Right now my gchat list is entirely girls I've slept with.. and you. You are fucking up my gchat chi.
"guaranteed dick" "anywhere - her room, my room, trees, couch"
Sorry that was quotes about you from the grad student.
And I think short bridesmaids dresses are the best idea especially for bathroom sex
Dude you filled up a protein shake mixer with White Russians so you didn't have to keep coming upstairs.
I have an epic ass bruise from a wheel tonight and I am drunk now because I decided vodka heals all wounds.
Like a gentleman I waited until you were done vomming to start my Big Mac.
Because sadly the idea of me having a girlfriend is crazy enough to be an April fools prank
Where does dick fit into Maslow's hierarchy of needs?
My roommate just google searched "cumming blood" using my laptop. Her boyfriend is in her room, she looks scared. Words cannot explain how hilarious this is.
I finally got my restraining order in the mail. Was that supposed to upset me? I'm just over here like "TELLEM BOY BYE!-\nlegally..."
Randomize
