He woke me up at 4am just to lick my nipple. Then he talked in his sleep for 20 minutes about the sex we just had. I think it's safe to say he's a weird one, but I dont care cuz he fucks like a champ.
She tried to cook Velveeta IN the oven on clean mode.
Whenever you feel bad about your life, just remember the time I tried to swim while high and thought for a minute I was genuinely drowning
i was staring at her drunk thinking "shes at least a four"
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His dick looks just like him, taller than average, thick, and somehow always angry.
FYI your bra is now hanging in the hallway as a trophy.
I'm still pretty stoned. There are mini rice cakes in my robe pocket to snack on in the shower.
Hey, so, you were my "one phone call" last night... Thanks for not picking up. See, this is why I never call you.
You suck at answering, but you did manage to avoid a fun conversation about hemorrhoids. So maybe you're great at answering.
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I'm going to start charging you rent if you keep leaving your random conquests on my living room couch the morning after
Either he pets my cat or this deal is null
A girl just invited me over for a blowjob and beer. Is this a trap?
I think I'm pregnant again.
or as we call it, thursday.
So I scratched the whole boyfriend plan and got wasted. Wanna try again tomorrow?
idk what to be more embarrassed/confused about, that i lost my underwear or that i woke up covered in fried rice
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