be a good friend and just tell me i'm not pregnant
no, i will not be your spotter when you masturbate with a noose around your neck
just added God to my list of friends who can only see my limited profile on facebook. its such a relief to know that He can't watch me fuck up my life anymore.
They let you pick the name that they announce for you at graduation. The professional world needs to prepare itself for papa smurf mcdonald.
He had a ladies night special at his place. Unlimited jello shots till 10, 50 cents after.
Just stuck all that extra cocaine money we made in a savings account...like a responsible adult..
'TWAS BUT A GLORIOUS SIGHT. BITCHES.
4 days in college, 3 frat parties. I haven't been this drunk since the unspeakable Jäger bomb incident in Sweden.
It's not too terrible. You just got a little naked and broke your arm.
I think we've gotten passed awkward... the day I woke up at the palms and ur getting eaten out by the dude who just fucked me on the balcony.
Sometimes you just gotta get high and go to a planetarium. Why can't he understand that?
It's just a friend who is recently single and I'm going to heal his broken heart with my vagina
If you fuck up my birthday by dying I will kick your fucking corpse.
Coffee and girl scout cookies. Breakfast of champions.
Get fucked.
I felt the need to set off fireworks in the living room while they were having sex upstairs. Yes, they quieted down.
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