Just woke up on a dolphin floaty wearing only a party hat. There's blood on the side of the pool and glass in the sauna. Worst fucking hangover. But some guy said he is making crepes so its ok
Just bought plan B with a coupon. Told the pharmacist I like to keep it classy.
Every day you talk to me ... I literally love you more..
I'm actually agreeing with glenn beck. What the FUCK was in that margarita?!
I appreciate the offer. Swallowing pride is much like swallowing cum, difficult and unpleasant
My sharpie cut off line was invaded last night. Where's my turtleneck?
I'm throwing in the towel on today. The puke gods have won this war
PS: when I ask you if I look fat in a a dress DO NOT TAKE YOUR SWEET ASS GAY TIME to formulate an answer only to tell me in front of our family that perhaps I should buy Spanx. Do you WANT me to tell mom and dad you suck cock? Then be a good brother and have the common decency to LIEEEEEE!!!!
I feel like a pizza delivery girl of vagina tho
Just traded a sandwich for anxiety drugs outside the club. I fuckin' LOVE this place.
YOU BETTER NOT BE SHAVING YOUR LEGS RIGHT NOW IM TRYING TO HELP YOU
Didn't know where your dishes went. Put em in the bathtub. They're stacked taller than you. It's like modern art.
I moved to this city Tuesday and got laid Saturday. Still got it.
Girl behind me in line at CVS was getting impatient then outta nowhere blew up shouting that if she didn't get her plan B soon she might be a mom and that if we couldn't tell she'd be a horrible mom
I accidentally stubbed my dick
What does that even mean?
her and her boyfriend kept giving me coke ad kissing me talking about my awesome boobs
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