from now on, im only gona ahve sex with my boyfriend.
I'm scared
There's nothing to be scared of. My penis is average size.
That's what I'm afraid of
so when she was in the shower, I took a pic of my dick with her phone and sent it to her brother saying, this just fucked your sister
Margaritas ran out of lime juice. Substituted Jaeger. Jaegerita not good.
They have a pepper shaker for pot.
She slept with 4 other guys since we went on a break. And her ex. But apparently she hasn't given any bjs out of respect for me. Why does that comfort me?!
Her legal name is Candy. Her being a whore is implied.
there's a guy looking for his pants in my room, is he yours?
Did you get any last night. I need to track my forever aloneness
When you say shenanigans does that mean I should bring birth control?
So I bet a guy he could drink two irish car bombs faster than me and I lost. now he gets to name our first son. sory.
I thought my neighbors locked me out of the building. Then I remembered I was drunk. PUSH AND TURN.
K. The dog and I are outside. The Uber driver said "I hope he fucks the shit out of you"
If I ever drink whiskey again make sure I don't eat the plastic cups that I'm drinking them from.
Only I could dislocate my ribcage coaching volleyball and still want to get drunk tonight.
Randomize