Dear __, it'd be a lot easier to fuck if you ever responded. So I'm throwing in the white towel, since I no longer know what you want. Sincerely, ___
from now on my penis is your penis
I miss Michael Jackson so much sometimes
We were making out when she went into convulsions. At least now I know she's allergic to peanuts.
We should search craigslist for porches to sublet.
Who is this?
You offered to lift up your dress at the bar so I could see your lower back tattoo
Um, I think that was a general offer to everyone. So...who IS this?
He came so hard he burst a blood vessel in his eye. Do I have to take him to the ER? because I'm too tired for this shit.
She's in the bathroom. Literally just told me she could make a guy cum using just her words. Not bad for Sunday brunch.
Trying to decide who to DD on the fourth and I came up with a Who's who of guys I've hooked up with in the last month. Not an ideal situation, but I have a feeling it's gonna happen anyway.
did you just say you're too stoned to fool around? okay we're over.
I am descending into that finals week rage fueled by ramen, mountain dew and bad sex is what's up.
Also, my old intern Lizzie whom you fed pizza to last night wants to hang out with you
You just kept telling everyone to call you MFT.. Mother Fucking Tornado.
Stopping for a booty call on the way to a lunch date... Bad form?
I know you would never do it--but if I ever walk into your house and find a "live love laugh" ANYTHING, I will commit you to an asylum. If it is a vinyl decal adhered to the wall, I will just smother you myself.
Randomize
