you dont know how to answer ppls txts anymore?!?
im sorry, i don't get text messages.
This guy told us that for a dollar and two cigarettes he'd let Megan stomp on his crotch. We were gonna refuse, but we figured someone had to keep him from passing his stupid genes along.
Sign #1 this conference will suck: Ice breaker question, how many proud virgins do we have in the room, overwhelming response. Looks like I'm not getting laid this weekend.
I think I just sat on my labia. Can I borrow some scotch tape?
Going abroad, it was like my vagina was in a candy store... a sweet sweet british candy store
the bar told me i would have to take an hour break so they could wash the shot glasses
he stopped talking to me after i tried to use his body as a surf board
did you find a tooth?
did you lose one?
You passed out while holding my hair during a blow job.. i think your gona have to earn back blow jobs
my brain is opting to stay half drunk rather than relearn how to think. the rest of me is in no position to argue.
I made one of my coworkers cheers to me not being pregnant. I've never talked to him before tonight. Keeping it classy.
we're the same shoe size and he owns more pairs of heels than i do. this could be the beginning of a beautiful friendship
I got so drunk that I peed my bed...and all over him. The ironic thing is that he slept in his swimming trunks.
I've seen you go skiing on a Tuesday, but you think you're too good for TGI Friday's?
There is eyeliner on my toilet. Vodka and I have a love hate relationship.
Randomize
