New low. Found an ant nibbling on my last xanax. Flicked it away and popped it in my mouth anyways.
john hughes is dead. crushing any and all dreams of me ever being in an 80's john hughes film. bummer.
Baconater + red wine = first meal of the day
I gave the naked guy in the hotel hall a pop tart. He stopped crying.
I'm masturbating to football. This is why I get guys and you don't
I think we should get high on adderall and nair each other again for New years.
Sometimes while peeing I'll go hands free, put my arms up by my chest and make claw hands, and pretend I'm a new type of dinosaur called Dickosaurus Rex.
My brain is like scrambled eggs. If scrambled eggs were trying to escape out of my skull through my forehead.
In the bath trying to absorb water through my skin because I can't drink it.. That hungover
Bro, she said my penis was the best thing to happen to her mouth since teeth.
party tonight. bring as many traffic cones as you can find. we need to section off the blackout drunks way better this time
What do you mean? Just eat his food and have sex with him. Unless you want a relationship, then just eat his food.
He showed up completely drunk with a 30 of PBR and ten cans of Spam. I like this kid.
Had a job interview today. Walked into the room and said "IT'S GO TIME, BITCHES".
I didn’t say it was classy, I said it was sexy
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