Everything went well, until I walked into his bedroom and there was a Ronald Reagan poster watching over his bed - creepy
i guess its not very common for a paramedic to have to revive someone who was struck by a falling shampoo bottle while getting off from the bathtub faucet.
she asked me if I wanted a handjob on the haunted mansion ride at Disney. was I suposed to say no?
if she leaves who will i have to secretly talk about behind thier back
doing lines of blow through a tampon applicator in the study lounge at 7am so i can finish an italian composition that was due a week and a half ago...such a good student.
I've decided to tape numbers to the bottom of my heels corresponding to the number of drinks I can safely consume in them.
I just want to do a slip-and-slide into a giant pool of jello shots right now.
You were demanding water from a bottle but I didn't have one..so I just took the water bottle from the hamster cage. You're welcome.
Just had a brita power hour to try to counter act all the wine i chugged last night.....fucking franzia
It made me think of you cause he just screamed "CAPTAIN PLANET" a lot and kicked people in the balls.
I'm so in the Halloween spirit, I zombified my all of my nudes on my phone. Tell me this isn't creative.
I smell like gasoline and adventure.
BoomCity!!!
You don't have to text me that every time you have sex. I already heard you ring the gong.
He'll only communicate through snapchat with pictures of him holding his cat or his dick. Bit of Russian roulette opening them in public but I did it anyway.
You know you're drunk when you have to be picked up out of a bathtub.
Randomize
