how the fuck am i supposed to make breakfast with spaghettios and mustard
last week i woke up at this guys house...this week i woke up at his ex girlfriends
I kind of wish I was already fat. So I could eat all I want and not worry about getting fat. Cause I'd already be at that point.
mom just called and i was mid bong hit but i answered anyways coughing and sounding rough she the apologized for waking her little angel up. its 2PM
I think even Ryan Seacrest is disgusted with the thought of Ryan Seacrest getting some.
your bra might or might not be a decoration on me and my roomies xmas tree haha
Im shrooming at the foot of a tree on top of a mountain. Feeling fly as fuckin socrates and bon iver.
Why is there uncooked bacon under my bed?
You insisted on taking it to bed with you. You grabbed it out of the fridge while mumbling "If I leave this out, you fuckers are just going to ruin it."
This heat and humidity do not mix with these braless DDs and a tank top at a BBQ.
The nice lady at the neighborhood liquor store informs me that we have a new woman-run neighborhood sex shop. Jesus loves me and wants me to have a happy Valentine's day.
By far the fardest thing to do drunk is open a band aid
I just want my kids to know I fucked some really hot dudes before their father.
You're going to scar your kids
What kind of sociopath goes to sleep at 9pm when I clearly need attention
Day drunk. He was sitting in the back seat, opened the door, leaned out, and peed right there in the dutch bros drive through. No one even noticed haha
What are you talking about? Keg stands at wedding are super classy.
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