He sent me a video of himself jacking off. I am not kidding.
WTF??? Isn't he married??
Yeah but his wife is at a birthday party and I guess he's bored. LOL
How come the only thing we can do right in our lives is drugs?
I thought that since they were twins... they would be equally as good in bed
As long as you're not dating white guys again.
I feel like i got beat with a pillowcase full of tequila shots.
Dental hygienist just pulled two flakes of glitter out. And asked me how i've been doing with the divorce.
We were trying to sober you with hotdog buns but you refused put half of it in your bra and said you'd save it for later
I felt that there wouldn't be enough planB and forgiveness to go around
How did you get him out of the shower last time?
Order Taco Bell and leave a trail of burritos leading to his bed.
All I know is I drank too much, danced too little.. yet somehow woke up on the floor in the arms of some cowboy.
I've discovered my ability to crush a man's ego is greater than my hate for beer.
I need ecstasy. And, before you ask, the answer is yes right now
He said 'I really struggle with the sin of lust' then we proceeded to have sex. So I guess it was a perfectly executed Catholic pick up line?
I'm ne vrr drinkjng againnnnnnnn dforeal.
Yah. Then he started clapping my boobs together in his hands and started shouting "the seas are angry!"
Randomize
