i left the bar a little after you and ended up flipping my car in the arbys drive thru
just won a stolen shopping cart in a dance off in a parking lot.
I just made Jack Daniels snow cones.
In the memo line of the check she wrote sexual healing.
Please just tell me how ugly she was so I can bask in the diminishingly small reassurance that might give me
You're like my zumba instructor for alcoholism right now
Using the balance in my bank account I just calculated how many fifths of vodka I can buy this year. Don't let me buy food, all my money is reserved for alcohol
I never thought I'd say this, but I think I just saw the hottest pregnant chick alive.
Fell asleep with Kristen and woke up with Sarah. It's official, vacation has begun.
I've orgasmed four times in the past 24 hours. And my mom's dropping off cookies later
So why are your hands bright blue and have you seen my roommate.
Both questions will answer each other.
Is there a lightning bolt coming out of your boner right now?!
Question: anytime during the past week did I drunk dial you and give you full permission to grab my boobs? Cus I know I said it I just don't remember who I said it to...
We got to the hospital and the girls who caused the accident had already added you on facebook.
Do you ever just admire your boobs?
Randomize
