wrigley field is MILF paradise
i think you walked me home, then i felt bad for putting you through the trouble so i walked you home...i'm not sure how i got home after that.
merry christmas to all and to all I give the mystery rash.
I got to masturbate in Rome in a gorgeous hotel room. Don't try and tell me I need a boyfriend
see that vagina ? that vagina means business
He stared me down while singing "Let Me Love You" to me while we were having sex. I don't know whether to marry him or file a restraining order.
You know you're gay when you have to have your coworkers explain to you why your bracket is terrible
I don't think tits should taste like fish.
It's a special kind of bond when your gay brother takes pics of you topless at a frat party.
You kicked my dad IN THE NUTS right when he walked in.
Sorry, man. Thought he was a cop.
I just saw a cat, if i ate those mushrooms 15 minutes earlier i wouldn't have made it to the bar
Do not, I repeat, DO NOT uncuff him no matter how much he begs. He knows what he did.
Actually new year, new me. I haven’t had sex yet so technically I’ve been a virgin all year.
I called to inform you I may or may not be getting laid tonight ...
I don't even remember what dignity looks like anymore. I JUST WANTED TO ROAST SOME POTATOES
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