Yo, my girl thinks she's pregnant, so I've got a DD for the wedding. Sweet.
I just remember standing in the shower with you eating chips.
I wasn't interested in him...but then he played The Office theme song on acoustic guitar. I'm sorry.
just so you know, you can get through airport security with handcuffs no questions asked
So hungover. Sitting in class about to puke during this ladys flute performance. Not sure why were having a flute concert in biology
I wish I had a "puke in your car" emoticon
We're going to shave my junk and take pictures of it wearing fake mustaches we found at the dollar store. They're uncannily realistic; much better than the cockstaches of my youth.
Reading my bank statement stoned makes me feel like an adult.
my taxi driver is listening to 50 shades of grey audiobook. this is uncomfortable.
Well, I have a text in my phone that just says "Scrumtrelescent" from a girl I have in here as "Cheesy Tits", so you figure out how my night was going.
fuck whipped cream. I'd eat vegetables off those abs
you dont know your limits until you wake up with a black eye and a bruised rib and find out you got ran over by a bicycle last night
Margaritas just taste better when they're bigger than your head
I'm doing my drinking workout. 20 pushups for each beer I finish. I should write a fucking book
Just confirming I will be washing my asshole at your house at approximately 2:45 tomorrow afternoon.
The strangest confirmation message ever sent.
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