I'm not a mortal combat character
but my vagina is
she told me she had a boyfriend but the alcohol told me she didn't
i'm watching a show about a girl who died from masterbating with a carrot. A FUCKING CARROT, EMILY! YOU NEED TO BE CAREFUL!
wait so...it's like an actual thing to masturbate using the detachable shower head? WTF I thought I was being creative!
I stayed up for an hour trying to make my room stop spinning and then I realized it was bc my fan was on
I just experienced a full blown christian wedding. I am SO GLAD YOUR WEDDING WASNT THIS.
Countdown til Saturday. I'd assume we're somewhere around 10,000 bottles of beer on the wall.
Like if I don't roll around in my puke, the night will be a failure.
apparently he couldn't remember my name so he refereed to me as whats-her-boobs and everyone knew that it was me he was talking about
Nah the bridesmaids all had dates. I slept with the next best thing: girl who WANTED to be a bridesmaid but didnt make the cut.
sounds like it. if it makes you feel better i blew up a $75000 farm tractor last night.
I dont know but I had two different hospital bands and half a pie when i woke up.
Breakfast Clubbing as Juggalos. I can feel our IQs in freefall.
You randomly sent me a black Santa Claus emoji at 2am. I think alcohol was involved.
Don't do tequila. The Devil himself spits into shot glasses and we call it tequila. You will do bad things.
Randomize
