you know you are hungover when... you set your alarm for the next time you think you are going to throw up
The Firefighter Games are going to be in Tampa the same weekend I am. I think God is answering my vagina's prayers.
Woke up this morning with a junior police officer sticker over my nipple this morning.
That bitch makes my crazy look like a walk in the park with cotton candy
Not much. Some creepy guy on Grindr thinks he knows who I am and where I live. So I sent him to that place with jockstraps and bacon. Hope he has fun.
Literally had to stick my hands in my pants and hold my butt cheeks together while driving
Ok despite the fact that both you and I love dick we could have a great marriage
I'm hungover during 4th grade graduation practice. I AM THEIR FUTURE.
I just had a sexting conversation using medieval jargon. I think he is a fine suitor.
I apparently asked the bartender for a plastic bag and told her I was gunna puke then grabbed two handles from the bar then put the handles in the plastic bag and left.....
75% of the time I swipe right on Bumble for girls over 40 is because I think their 18 year old daughter is hot.
You were supposed to catch herpes, not feelings!!!
Definitely the only person to buy 2 handles a 2 bottles of champagne & 3 thirties while wearing a fanny pack
I volunteer to be the person who breaks into the room and runs around naked and has to be escorted out by police.
He just ate a tooth whitening strip...
Randomize
