so that guy from last night texted me saying i flashed half of my extended family last night. so classy.
his dog just threw up on me too. its like im a throwup magnet to that family.
At this point it has been so long i wouldnt know what a dick was if it slapped me in the face.
His foreplay reminded me too much of breastfeeding.
he just sent me a pic of him naked with a bucket of margarita mix hanging off his dick
You brought us all personal gifts you had stolen from the party and bellowed "hoes hoes hoes, clepto Santa loves you"
there is literally a full grown man stuck between the radiator and her bed. i thought i kicked him out 20 minutes ago but nope we found him
He doesn't care. He wouldn't care if my vag grew arms and smacked him in the face.
Imagine getting smashed in the dick by a basketball. A basketball made of metal. With spikes. That's pretty much what his dick looked like.
Nothing says "back to school" like walking in the first day with a hangover
Was i rolling around in a parking lot last night
THEY HAVE BEEN GOING AT IT FOR 2 HOURS AND I HEAR THEM BANGING THIS IS BULLSHIT
Welp. June's off to a great start. I just ripped my pants, completely sober, at 10:30 p.m.
I might be getting fired on this week so the only option i see for tonight is to get smashed and have an orgy. actually this idea might explain why i'm not an ideal employee.
Oh I had the weirdest dream in which I was an archeologist stealing a golden dildo from a snobby British person
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