dude, im still at the bar with two chics... one has a moustache ill save that one for you... be home in 20min..
how the hell did we fit 12 drunk lesbians in your car?! I felt like we were playing lesbian tetris last night.
Just found out my brother beats off to Lauren Conrad. the Hills will never be the same.
We must be getting old. All of our friends are having kids and they aren't illegitimate.
I'm going to write a letter. It's going to say, Dear Every Girl Ever: Take some goddam initiative and wake me up with a blowjob and I will eat out of your hand. Love, Every Guy Ever
I woke up to blood crusted on my face. I don't understand
team rage. no explanation necessary
i walked in and you were spoon feeding your sister grape juice out of a tupperware.
I fell into his fridge. I want to leave.
Shawn wouldn't stop singing about his cock on the ride home that night it freaked my girlfriend out how consistent he was
then looked at this little girl next to me and was like "don't drink when you get older and don't let your best friend be with assholes." she looked at me like i was crazy
But we only had three ninja turtles. So everyone that would ask us where Donatello was, we would say "what? He's gone? Shredder is at it again!"
The only things in my fridge are almond milk, Smirnoff Ice and chicken noodle soup. I'd say I've done mama proud.
He's like a father figure to me, except we have casual drunk sex every now and then
My morning started with my mom giving me the number for a substance abuse councellor. How's your day going?
So is seeing the guy's penis that I'm talking to something you're into or nah?
Randomize
