dude, I'm watching paul blart mall cop. I have better things to do than listen to you whine about your recent divorce.
So I used to make fun of texas a lot, then I got here and I found a place where I could get my tequila in a to go cup with a straw and I realized that this is the only place I ever want to be
I'm at the cafe. It's 7am. There is a girl I don't know on my futon who tried to tickle me this morning when I got down from my loft. I also not wearing any underwear.
She is a social worker. An actual good person trying to save the world. I feel like every time I give her an orgasm God wipes a little smudge off of my shit list.
malibu coconut giveth, and malibu coconut taketh away
Cuz last time you told me I was going to be shocked about something you got a hand job from a stripper in canada
At what point in my life did a night that has strippers, belly dancers, tequila and a midget become "average"?
He told me about how he pissed his pants last weekend like it was a normal part of conversation. Within 10 minutes I was going home with him. I think he put me under some kind of spell.
No it's only my right leg that feels like it's about to fall off. The left is fine.
I hate that we are older than the real world people now
I JUST WATCHED PAULA DEEN PUT BUTTER IN HER BLOODY MARY. This is not a drill. Real life.
Never let a one night stand shower at your place. My razor, lotion, and brush disappeared. #girlcode
Ive done some fucked up shit, but last night was the first I have Poured milk on anothers mans face in the shower.
Clearly you need to take sleeping pills and put your phone in the toilet
I've never been so excited to be bleeding from my vagina.
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