Last night I ate the rest of the salsa with my hands. And i DONT have a hangover? Glorious.
Fuck 8am classes
Dear Jesus I'm gonna throw up through my eyes
you kept searching pizza on facebook and becoming a fan of each page dedicated to it
I cut you off after you tried to do a shot out of a neti pot, down your nose.
explains the nose bleeds.
Dear drunk me, don't shave my balls til you're sober. My junk looks like a pomeranian with mange.
and he's drinking a bud lime in his profile pic meaning i can out drink him, meaning i would clearly be the alpha in our relationship
wow, you never really realize how many muscles you have in your crotch until you pull them all.
Eating an ice cream sandwich while your little bro gets me weed. May I adopt him?
He's rapping about a turtle neck sweater. Please come get me.
Is it bad that I've been making new friends through your vagina networking? I don't think so
Next time a random bus filled with santas pulls up to the bar, I'm not getting on it.
I'm wandering around outside asking things if they are god
We got stoned and took selfies with the most perfect lawn
Despite how often it occurs, I have absolutely no interest in having sex with myself
thanks for not wanting to stay all night or talk or anything, nice to have a fuck buddy who really doesnt take the buddy part serious
I'm all about the fuck
Randomize
