don't bother texting me at 10. my pants WILL be off and I'm not putting them back on to come see you.
My dinner was lean cuisine and tequila. Aaaaaand I need a boyfriend.
I'm currently bartering with this guy so I can fuck his bi girlfriend. We're at 5 pizzas and he gets to watch us make-out.
New low: falling asleep with my face in the toilet only to be awoken when my hand slid down and touched the water. It's moments like these I wish I could forget.
I would seriously fuck her so hard, her contacts would pop out of her eyes.
At 2pm we are having a MANDITORY house meeting about last night. ALL must be in attendance!
I'd like to review the planning and execution of the party to determine how we hosted a naked party, to determine how we can have more.
He initiated the conversation by sending me a picture of his penis at 4 am
Why is there a cash register on top of my car?
Just FYI, by the transitive property my breasts have now touched the Stanley Cup.
When you went off to sleep with that guy that looked like a dirty Jesus and I asked why all you had to say "trying to keep Christ in Christmas" and left. The Vatican called, you're going to Hell.
I woke up in an ill fitting childs tutu this morning and the shower curtain is knocked down. Wtf happened?
I finally figured out how to tighten my bra straps and I feel like a god
So I don't think the seahorse breeding thing is gonna work.
That was random, even for you Mom.
Just a little drinking. So much fun and love. The world is a shiny wonderful sphere in the sky so why shouldn't we celebrate?
dude the last time we saw him was 2 nights ago when he was yelling that the trees were naked or some shit then he ran into the forest. I think its time for a search party
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