how can you tell if its a queef or a fart from that close?
I would kind of like a job that starts at 10:30 and i'll work til 7. I'm not very productive in the morning. My main focus is not puking from 9-11.
At this point it has been so long i wouldnt know what a dick was if it slapped me in the face.
i have a "get your shit together" dinner with my parents tonight. After that ill be down to party
I probably shouldn't have followed up that rainbow sherbet with beef jerky. This is a whole new level of fat, even for me.
As hard as i've been partying lately their gonna have to revoke my organ donor status
I just wanna lay in my bed all bundled up as have someone feed me lettuce
Beautiful wedding. Beautiful bride. I got shitfaced. Came home and ate two corndogs. I'm still single.
Definitely thought about throwing up in the cat box since it's not as far to the bathroom..
We peed on campus in the middle of the tailgate and then hit on a married cop that asked you to stop touching him
CUM CAME OUT OF MY NOSE. MY SINUSES ARE ENTIRELY FUCKED UP NOW BC OF THE CUM TRAVELING IN PLACES IT SHOULD NOT HAVE.
Well, my mom found the ball gag and whip. Looks like I'm never going home again.
I'm kind of upset that he wanted to have sex instead of watch Harry Potter. I mean it's Harry fucking potter.
I went to an adult Halloween party last night dressed as Mrs. Doubtfire, but I woke up on a stranger's couch surrounded by sleeping children in karate gi's. And I accidentally flushed my granny wig mid-puke, so if they wake up I'm gonna have to convince them that I'm just a weird older man and not a terrible cross dresser.
How did you come to this point in your life?
Good bartenders.
We got high, had sex, and watched retro scooby doo shows. Best friends with benefits yet.
Randomize
