She came to work with 6 additional layers of make-up, playing every Nickelback song about explicit teen sex, and with a dozen twinkies she bet she could finish without chewing any. I'm investing in a rape whistle.
fuck. did you have to draw it on me with a permanent marker
I'm watching the Australian Open. They need to slow the fuck down. It's hard enough to follow sober and now it's just pissing me off.
Um....sorry for hooking up with your brother last night...
Actually i take that back. You dropped the whiskey last night and broke the bottle. Were even
So for future reference.... it's a little unnerving when I can't get hold of you, and the last communication we had was, "Oh fuck... It's tequila"
It feels like there's puke trying to explode out of me from behind my eyeballs.
How was the party last night?
I'm dangerously close to shitting myself.
So that groomsmen was naked under his kilt. Also I just had sex in the elevator. And yes, those two updates are definitely related.
I feel like drug tests are a little less "random" when you are employed by your father.
Im gnna go loik fir my newq gay friuend now
Goodbee
Someone who makes you cum so hard that you have an asthma attack is clearly your soulmate
The sex was totally worth how awkward its gonna be for the next few weeks
Regardless I WANT TO BE YOUR SEX DISPENSARY. that is like the career I was born for.
Who fucking spams baby shark at a sports bar
His dick smelled like strawberries...it was awesome.
Randomize
