Strawberries are so good its weird that food is growable
She wouldn't stop telling me the story of the penis and how she got laid.
that would be two times in a week with two different guys.
they have the same name so it only counts as one guy right?
Apparently having him hold an open book in front of me while i'm blowing him doesn't count as studying...
i woke up to the sound of my dad getting blown. this is my life
The last thing I remember is sitting in a chair and him hand feeding me bell peppers
So I think I might just embrace the awkwardness and say he fingerblasted her cause thats the greatest word in existence
Eating a TV dinner and watching Goosebumps on Netflix, the sad, sad title of my autobiography.
I did my patriotic duty. I woke up next to a veteran this morning.
Wife and kids came home early...naked passed out covered in chili cheese Fritos dad will haunt them forever.
I can't. I mean he's hot, but there's really nothing else there
You just said he's hot
NO YOU DON'T UNDERSTAND
I feel like sleeping with foreign people is a long term investment. It's like a time share. Now when I go to London I have a place to stay.
"can you come pick me up from the ikea parking garage i think i slept here"
Ate 5 hotdogs today. You need to get me back on my tequila diet cause this shit has to stop!
we went book shopping, so yes this relationship is going to be about more than sex
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