you can't spend the night you always smell like dirty underwear and my roommates complain
Mom found my vibrator. all the said was 'wow, I've never seen one like this before.'
we don't live in the stone age anymore, mom
Update. It gets worse. A) he's done viagra and B) he wears socks at all times.
If you're going to watch porn, can you atleast be considerate and watch it on my old laptop and not the new one?
Dude i just want you to know that when i found you half your mustache was already gone. I didn't do it.
He was really drunk and I dared him to jump the swimming pool on his bike. Sadly he couldn't. Hey did you know a testicle can burst?
We had to put his head at the bottom of the driveway so the puke would run down. Now he's sleeping outside.
the party was called freshmen disorientation. i was just following the theme
She's the hottest girl I've ever seen before and didn't lose her virginity until she was 19. As men, I take it as failure on our part that hot 19 year old virgins still exist.
its not thanksgiving till you and grandpa shotgun beers out in the shed, and lose
We'll just play it by vagina and see where it leads us
You might have been able to redeem yourself had you not referred to grandma as "this bitch".
That explains the hand print on my face. That old lady knows how to throw a punch.
Awkward drunk fist bump with the boss. Not sure if tomorrow will be weird or wonderful.
The waitress at the airport bar just asked me if I wanted a "to go" beer, hahahahaha OF COURSE I WANT A TO GO BEER.
I still hate everything and everyone around me. Krampus taught me nothing.
Randomize
