this wart on my finger ripped off while i was fingering this girl the other night. she thought she had gotten her period and started crying so i went with. its better for both of us that way
So my Christmas cards this year will be my mug shot with my kids face photo shopped next to me....too ghetto?
is it bad if I use the term bowl as a measurement of time, as in how long it takes to smoke a bowl?
Somehow "stranger danger" turned into making out with a 25 year old on burbon street.
I think "I actually like giving blow jobs better" qualifies her as a keeper
Was having a panic attack, but I'm out of xanax. Substituting with vodka shots and breathing exercises. My therapist will be proud, yes?
I'm going out with a guy whose nickname is Shark Week cause he'll eat anyone. I'm very excited.
Woke up on the stairs at my parents house. Good start to vacation.
Sometimes a girl needs 4 shots of whiskey in her diet coke at 5 in the afternoon and i feel no shame in admitting that girl is me
U have successfully fucked my brains out. I just almost put deodorant on like chapstick
I bought Plan B for the first time and an interview outfit today. You could say my life is improving.
Having weed delivered to your door is like having your own personal Santa Claus
Lost my anal v card with Peter Thiel's RNC speech on in the background. Unbelievably appropriate
a reward? ill think of something
if its not drugs or food I swear to god ill throw a fit
Hmm should I take my nipple rings out before my sisters wedding/family vacation in Puerto Rico where I will be with my mother 24hrs a day for four days wearing a bathing suit seemingly the entire time? Or should I just risk it and not hug anyone.
Risk it. Keep the titties tough.
Randomize
