I just met a guy from Australia at the bar. I asked him what it was like down under and he told me if I went home with him he'd let me find out. I love Australians.
I just gave my whole company pinkeye. How's that for a summer intern's lasting impression? BOOYAHH
i took an adderall last night to write a paper. i ended up watching 7 hours of roseanne and couldn't look away
You were scared that your teeth were shrinking so you stuck your fist in your mouth. then you were convinced your hand was growing cuz it got stuck so yu started crying
At least they aren't charging us for the broken diving board...
rethinking that breast reduction surgery... i'm tired of drunkenly explaining the scars to guys who don't really give a shit
You know it's been a rough year when your therapist mouth is just wide open. And I didn't even get to the real issue!
She drunkenly dropped her ranch for her pizza. She tried to clean it up with her hands off the street then realized it didn't work and started licking her fingers.
You've never felt ridiculous until you've walked through downtown in a Viking costume
I just kept hitting the drum to get thru the crowd to the bar. Surprisingly it worked
Hi, I put a dog in your house, I hope it's yours.
My New Year's resolution is to chill out on the group sex. At least with my friends anyway.
I just made myself orgasm twice and Laura lee hit 4 million subscribers. It’s a good day everywhere
Congratulations on giving me my first and second hickeys last night. I made it almost 30 years without one, but who needs class these days?
It's been a week I should not still be finding glitter in my pants.
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