You've picked up chicks by quoting metal bands
When they're drunk they believe it's Shakespeare...enjoy the simple things
it took me 7 solid minutes to realize "egggGSaucetingf" meant "exhausting"
She found 60 bucks at the strip club. Its probabably been in a vagina but really most money probably has
Finished my senior thesis. How am I celebrating you ask? By drinking gas station white zif out of an empty candle holder by myself. I fucking deserve to graduate.
hes supposed to be my fuck buddy. im not supposed to see him on his knees praying by my bed when i walk into my room.
last night we stole an a/c window unit from a frat. gonna be a great summer
The cops raided her house the day before class even started
Those assholes are becoming so efficient
Moral of the story is go have sex with a foreigner and report back to me.
The sex was so bad. I kept sending people snapchats of my face during it.
When I took off my jeans he became more excited about my Elmo underwear than sex but to be fair, who can blame him. They're awesome undies.
I literally stopped banging her when my ESPN app alerted me that the Spurs had won. That's how much I hate Lebron. I would rather watch him cry in the post game interviews than get it in
Dude he took a shit in the lake and it just floated around and lingered near our boat for 2 hours. I fucking hate that kid
We perfected the quiet ass slap during sex so his roommate wouldn't wake up.
Just packed a snack to eat on the way to McDonald's. That stoned.
This is the third time I have overheard parents tell their children "don't be that girl" in reference to me. I'm either doing something horribly wrong or amazingly right
Randomize
