she needs to go suck a dildo, because she isn't worth a dick
You told her the u were going to wrap your dick around her neck and start her like a lawn mower. thats why she left.
Hi, my name's audrey!
Max?
Sorry, this girl is phone-stealing drunk.
I literally sat down and peed with my underwear still on. How does that happen?
What's a "vodkaffle"?
It's where she puts vodka in the waffle mix.
I passed out in the stadium during the 4th quarter and you guys just left me there?
Yea, but we put money for a cab in your pocket.
Oh my Christ. I just came so hard my penis stood back up and took a bow afterwards. I need Thai food.
Ya I guess if we compared our actions now with our actions 2 years ago. We are definitely in a constant state of shit showness.
Your stoned with a 2 year old in the room....and that makes you want to have babies?!
Should I go sleeveless of strapless?
Hmmm, it doesn't matter. You're gonna be topless by the end of it.
I feel like my dick pic collection should be archived at the Smithsonian
It's Reggie from Taco Bell, send me a pic.
I was out of breath when we were getting started and he offered me his inhaler so he's a keeper
A guy from tinder a while ago who sent me dick pics straight out the gate is a tech on my dad's hospital floor. I was wondering why he looked familiar and why he never took my dads vitals when I was in the room
Two questions: Did you enjoy your birthday present and how did i wake up with glitter all over my dick?
Randomize
