College reaches a new low. We just carved a shot glass out of a potatoe.
soooo we both peed the bed last night...
First order of business is dropping my 9 am gym class. I'm sweating pure vodka.
strippers are much less mysterious after you sleep with them
Also, I just saw a woman change into her stripper outfit in the bathroom at Target.
how was ur day?
this is strictly sexting don't make small talk.
Doing blow at 6am to "wake myself up for clinicals" was a baaaaad idea
Plans for halloween need to outrank Caesar, Cleopatra and Mark Antony's threesome...just saying
He put my hand on his penis and said welcome home.
My brother and I have had one conversation in the past like 3 weeks and it was about what it would be like as a sentient butt plug
My actions are not mine. They are the actions of Patron.
If he would've shaved his beard when we first broke up, getting over him would've been so much simpler. That asshole.
Mom has wine in a to go cup. It's that kind of night.
Well I can cross 'get my dick slathered in coconut oil while watching the bob's burgers porn parody' off my bucket list.
She drunkenly texted me about Japanese mythology at four AM. I think I’m in love.
Randomize
