oddly enough my penis is pretty tan. the part of my body that gets the least amount of sunlight is tanner than most of the rest of my body.
I think its part of male evolution. Pretty soon they'll have diamonds on them and taste like chocolate.
Just made a makeshift menthol by rolling a listerine strip into a regular cigarette... Poor? Who, me?
Legitimately semi-blackout across the table from the governor off a chardonnay i can't even pronounce.
I would say I am sorry for punching you last night, but I found the pictures you took on my camera and it all came rushing back.
Definitely Got caught hugging a strangers tree last night with 5 others.
Listen. I don't care if its "nontoxic" im not putting it in my fucking vagina.
As the bouncer was escorting you out, you yelled "keep your filthy dick beaters off me!"
Chris used to fill up a Camel Back for thirsty Thursday. God I really miss him, do you remember when he gets out of jail?
I don't know if I'm feeling really nervous right now or just extremely horny.
I need drugs. Hard drugs. Today. Not tomorrow. Today. Something relaxing.
I've been watching porn with my cat lately. No shame
No like I actually peed on the treadmill. As it was running
And then you poured the rest of the vodka into salsa and added the alcohol soaked pineapples and grapes and said "don't touch my salsa breakfast".
He fucked me for my Netflix login, I fucked him for his HBO login, and actually I think that's beautiful
my ex finally blocked me on all social media and tbh I'm only pissed because his roomate just got a puppy
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