if you come down to my room ill tell you a secret
I totally understand Scottish logic. No underwear+skirt=great
She said she didn't think she should have to shave either. Guess no shave November just became no sex November.
I'm officially "accidentally set myself on fire" drunk
There is nothing wrong with wanting a slide attached to your staircase
I'm sorry for peeing on your door. But it was your decision to open it.
I mean, I'm twenty four years old and I've never paid for my own drink. You can't say that any of your ex girlfriends boobs are THAT great.
He paid me $20 to swallow a baggie of glitter, which turned out to be the best decision I've ever made. My vomit has never been prettier.
she texted me out of nowhere. and I wanted to get drunk. like I didn't even have her new number until 6 hours ago and bam we were rolling around drinking cotton candy vodka from the bottle she had stuffed in a boot
I am lonely and hungry. I need a girlfriend, but I'd settle for my mom.
You must have my penis confused with someone else's...which is disappointing
I'm prostituting myself for tickets to Disney World. There's a contradiction there.
I'll meet you in hell with unlimited boxes of wine though
The last thing I remember is being given a cup full of absinthe and deciding I needed to wear my tool belt
You were returned to the hotel by someone wearing a priest costume and carrying knives.
I’m also apparently a very socialist drunk now
Instead of a horny one. All I want to fuck is capitalism these days.
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