i just made my mom cry by blowing spit bubbles.
the non-midget kid sent 8,000 texts in a month. the midget parents are pissed. THIS IS EPIC WHEN YOUR HIGH.
Wedding update: no alcohol, 75% of people have left, no one is dancing, no single groomsmen, and it's 5:30. I'm going the fuck home to drink by myself.
We had break up sex twice. He said one was cause he had to say goodbye to both tits.
I guess since this is supposed to be my year of the lesbian it's okay
i'm sorry i gave your brother a handjob while you were on the blanket next to us, but to be fair your back was turned.
YOU RECOMMENDED ME TO THIS GIRL BECAUSE SHES A STRIPPER AND YOU KNOW MY WEAKNESS FOR STRIPPERS WITH CHILDREN.
Taking my infected piercing out in the parking lot of the food card place. This is one of those life defining moments that makes me sad.
I made people serenade her before talking to her and went on a condom run. If I'm going to be in the friend zone, I'm going to be its fucking king.
Fulfilled a bucket list goal last night. Borrowed a dollar from a stripper to buy smokes
God bless Atlanta.
I donkey kicked that mother fucker. Never stood a chance.
It was a door. A completely inanimate object, of course it didn't stand a chance you idiot.
Had a burrito last night in your honor
That's the nicest thing you've ever done
You are a super loving wife. But did you, at any point since Thanksgiving, slip me half your bottle of stool softeners?
We're in a hurricane and you send me a video of you playing with your dick while driving! You wanna die?!
Apologies that our conversations always turn to butt sex or penis size. I thought we out grew that in our 20's.
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