Idk man, it felt like my skin was a suit and I could feel it zipping up my side and up to my mouth. And then my head felt like a ventriloquist dummy's head, with the jaw thing..it was freaky, dude
You think that's a metaphor for anything, champ?
Shut the hell up.
If a cop asks you "Where do you go for fun?", it's not a pick up line...especially if he just pulled you over.
Come over! I've just turned Titanic into a drinking game. I drink every time I want to fuck Leonardo DiCaprio.
I asked you if you were ok and you said "dude I'm fine, I'm in the recovery position"
I told him I was engaged, had 911 on speed dial and made him wear his seatbelt, then dropped his drunk ass off at his motel...probably not the night he was expecting.
Jesus just hopped over the fence with a rack of coors. How's your Halloween?
This guy just asked me to stab his arm with my keys to make sure he wasn't dying.
Well, we could've been at the bar taking a shot everytime my rash spread. But Noooooo. You had to go out with your non- girlfriend. Lame.
Also I just had a flash back ... He told me I have nice nipples and then asked me about yours..
I was just tryna bring you beer girl. I should've known you'd be shirtless though
i think the realest test of our friendship is how hot your sister looks right now
Do you think I can get away with quoting Work Bitch by Britney Spears in my speech?
I hate college football. It's really fucking with our phone sex schedule.
This toilet bowl is my home.
My orgasm happened in two different decades
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