Tell LD happy birthday and party like it's $19.99
Recession joke.
Whats contracted in vegas does not stay in vegas....
You named all of the cocktail shrimps and then tackled a guy for "eating Henry"
i have one question about last night
if this is about your fridge being filled with hotdogs, sour cream, and PB&J open-faced sandwiches, i can explain
we were running to make last call and you stopped me and said very seriously "if i fall, go on without me. just make sure theres a beer in my hand when you go"
Taking my infected piercing out in the parking lot of the food card place. This is one of those life defining moments that makes me sad.
he said he needs a little more pabst, some time to jack off and a sandwich and he'll be ready
Hey your work video crashed my computer. The 8 pornos running in the other window didn't. Congratulations.
I have straight up perfected the art of amazing manicures with shaky-as-fuck adderall hands. Also, I'm way too proud of this.
Captain America stopped by our tailgate. He ate a taco.
An old man just slapped my ass and handed me five dollars while I was filling chips at subway. I feel violated, but that was the easiest five dollars I've ever made.
sweating bourbon at client mtg -- you?
I'm going to need you to stop harassing my professor on Twitter when you're drunk.
tell him if he brings over dinner you might let him see your left boob...or right, whichever you prefer. But under no circumstances do you let him see both...unless he brings a good desert...like coffee ice cream or something
Apparently my hair turned out really good because I got my butthole licked by a stranger last night
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