After I made out with her she fell asleep and started pooting in her sleep. Are we sure lesbians are hot? Cause that wasn't.
there hasn't been a girl guy ratio this good since a guy jumped on one of the Titanic life rafts
The kid next to me is typing a powerpoint presentation.. title: Reasons to Wear a Condom, subtitle: The Ian Story
The first slide was titled: You Could Get a Girl Pregnant.
i wish i had the videos of us pissing on him last night.
An there's a little girl across the bar eating Mac n cheese... #1 she won't stop looking at me. Boo bitch I'm drinking alone. #2 I'm about to tackle her ass for that Mac n cheese.
This is great- I found hangover detoxifying bath salt online. It flushes out the alcohol. We need this.
Well, when he's back from China he's probably gonna be pissed I used the spare key he gave me to prove to everyone I'm fucking an NBA player. We took all his booze too.
While you were hooking up with her I pulled you off to make sure you knew what you were doing.
You said you were "testing the product for Chris."
I'm a bad man.
Come get me we have a petting zoo to throw up in.
I can't remember much from that party after we snapchatted my dancing boobs to all of her contacts
What would you do if your asshole suddenly made the sound of a sheep duck baa/quacking the words kill me
You are so incredibly one of a kind, it's astounding
Call it slutty but I take pride in being a first round draft pick booty call. And I know I was first cause he texted me at 1030a
We knew it was an interesting night when we found my thong wrapped around a chocolate chip muffin in the fridge.
Dude they are making elephants out of dollar bills. I'm way too high for this
That moment when you’re at the doctor to give a sperm sample you’re only getting 3G so the porn is buffering
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