i'm naked playing bejeweled blitz in your bed. this is both a forewarning and an apology
A 21st bday and NYE should be illegal to have in the same week...
when I picked him up he smelled like cheeseburgers, had a bite mark around his left nipple and we think someone stabbed him in the forehead with a pencil... it was like the Hangover meets Texas Chainsaw Massacre
Were betting on little kids falling and racing for a drinking game at the wedding.
You distracted them by dancing on the stripper pole, I ripped the flag off the wall, stuffed it in my pants and we were out.
Pants-less sunday? Also I'm high and independence day is making me cry
im coming over
Consider it an appointment to improve my blow job capabilities.
Your stories are the best. I feel like you're a spy among the heteros. It's not fair.
I tried to twerk on a barn in 3 inch heels at a party last night and nose dived into mud. These were all new friends. I'm probably not allowed back. Cool.
His new girl is probably classy and boring. I bet she doesn't feed him sour patch kids while she wiggles his weiner.
You know you threw a brownie at my head last night. And said you did it to defend the turtles honer....
I would rather suck a dick or two than go there
i woke up to a text from someone I put in my phone last night as "Giant Penis"
what did G.P. say?
oddly enough it was a dick pic
hold on i need to sex proof my eyelashes. thank godd for waterproof mascara
honestly, fuck you guys. i'm gonna get drunk by myself
Randomize
