Do you have any idea why the dryer isn't working?
Because you touch yourself at night.
Fell asleep on the Grass at Lolla woke up in the Brown line. What. The. Fuck.
almost got into it with the cashier. bitch dont look at me like that just cuz im only buying wine and icing. ill fight.
P.S. I just watched The Muppets. I feel like I just got a sadness enema.
Let us do this. Tomorrow night is thirsty Thursday. Let us drink whiskey from the bottle and have men in plastic gloves inscribe permanent images of each others faces onto our buttocks.
I feel like we should at least be hungover if we're gonna be this grown up.
Next time we include dessert condiments into our sex life we can fuck up my sheets. It's only fair.
sending him nudies in gran's hospital bathroom. you?
There's a ton of international students in my suite and I'm just sitting in this chair with no pants on eating frosted flakes
I just want to trick people into going on dates with me so they can bring back to their houses and let me use their wifi.
I literally cut myself out of my pants. What is my life.
You were yelling at the mannequin and saying "DON'T LOOK AT ME"
UVE SEEN MY TITS OKAY STOP CRYING
Why do I feel so obligated to masterbate just because I’m single and it’s valentines Day...
Oh fuck, I'm officially a cougar..he's got the same name as my grandson
Randomize
