I just pynch a tree in the face
i just peed in a port a potty and wiped with my credit card statement. fuck yeah!
and he says: but we did find out that your ovaries have never released eggs. first thing out of my mouth: so i didnt really need to take the morning after pill so many times in college?
not the response he usually gets im sure.
you'd be confused too if you woke up to pictures of a ghostbuster doing body shots off you.
Just tried my new showerhead. Sex with Brian will never be the same.
I feel so much closer to you now that I heard your poop splash into the toilet.
If we were to wake in ur bed together, what are the 3 words you would say to me?
Get out now.
You just kept taking about baking cornbread and doing your physics. Even drunk assed random you is a better student than me.
He just ordered a bottle of Beam at an Italian place for us to share.
Why would I send you a picture of it when I could just steal the gnome and put it in your bed with you? Admit it, he looks just like gnomeo!
She told me she gets scared easily and that I had to protect her. Then I made a condom joke that ended up making her cry... All bad dude
My makeup looks extraordinary for nine tequila shots, running four blocks, falling asleep with my face in the toilet, and doing the walk of shame across campus in the rain. And to think I'm single.
To confirm, you are a grown ass man and you just asked me what her vag looked like.
Just reached for my phone in my non existant pocket while it was in my hand.
I mean, who hasn’t been fingered in there back of an Uber?
Randomize
