im letting my talent of no gag reflex go to waste
I just found out the FDA voted to ban Vicodin, my last connection to this world has been destroyed
last night i found out that my 11 year old cousin used me as an example of what not to do in her D.A.R.E. speech. awesome.
Before he took off his pants he paused and said, "Remember..sometimes great things come in small packages."
No, trust me. Falling down the stairs is a fucking sobering experience.
Some idiot from high school is in the hospital for bonging three beers up his ass
He should have died. Natural selection.
I'm in the sex attic, crying, eating french toast and taco
Well, I washed his beard with dish soap and then I fucked him three times.
The crowd is chanting "we want sex!" There's a man dressed as bacon. That is all
...and that is the first time I've ever wished fewer naked women on someone I like.
Listen I'm tryna celebrate your divorce. Sometimes that calls for drinking on the toilet.
My cat just tried to lay on my stomach while I was masturbating. And I let her because I am so starved for affection.
I just used a gift card from my in-laws to buy their daughter a vibrator. What even are morals?
I just watched an old episode of Daria while eating brownies to cure day drunkness. Clearly I'm winning at adulting today.
omg girl... i cut your hair last night. tell me it looks okay!? i saw hair on the counter and i said ohhh nooo
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