Pick my eyebrow is burning. I'm sitting in the back of dolows vat and listening to jolly music and wilfgang is signing and looking food. Cute kid. Home is where I go now.
what. the. fuck.
you have to give me like a days notice for these kinds of things, you cant just call at 9 am and expect me to be sober
dude there's automatic no homos on brad Pitt and Leonardo dicaprio. Everyone knows that
Just saw two dudes run across the street carrying a mini keg and a scaled model of the empire state building. Missed this town
Smoked a joint and chugged some pepto. Feeling a lil better... Not sure which is working..... Gonna keep doing both.....
He gave me a card that said "I'm so glad we found each other... In the pants" and a pat on the head... My walk of Shame wasn't so bad.
I needed a test subject that didn't know any of my friends so that if i screwed up no one would really know or spread rumours about how it was the worst bj ever
Walked into my campus store carrying a pitcher of sangria. No fucks given. Also this recipe is banging.
I just made a drink so ill shit. It's goona be great. Ill tell you about it when you get here. Get pumped. For my shit.
I know you're very busy with sleep and things, but when you wake up we need to talk about weirdly shaped penises.
the last thing I remember is taking a pull of ever clear and chasing it with vodka
I'm over here trying to figure out how to get shake shack delivered to my bed and Jamie is having a child
Why is there a business card for people who need bail bonds in my wallet...
We had everything under control until this one jackass fucked up. Thanks, Peter.
HEY I WILL KIDNAP THE FUCK OUT OF YOUR PET GOAT
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