i'm only drinking out of pineapples from now on.
I'll go out only because I know the starving children in third-world countries would frown upon us if we let an hour of free sangria go to waste...
I seriously think I have a tan line on my stomach from getting a boner while in the taning bed.
You are two creepy Justin Bieber quotes away from me not talking to you for the rest of the day
If I had a pelvic thrust emoticon, I would use it
I'm not sure what happened. But I must have won because I obviously stole two full pitchers of beer from the bar and taped a note on them saying "your welcome"
I just realized that there are baby oil soaked hand prints on the wall over my bed. Last night was a good night.
you seemed to enjoy falling down hill
wow, never heard the last few months of my life put so succint
I didn't even have time to sit down and the nurse was like: ''You've been having unprotected sex.'' HOW DOES SHE KNOW?!?
Don't come. It's not even a party it's a total sausage fest. Like 20 drunk dudes in a bedroom. We can still drink by ourselves though it'll be ok
the 5 D's of Dodgeball literally just saved my life
So, my ex just showed me the drunk voicemail we left him last night. Started out with me saying "I think it's Shane." Then you took my phone and started singing a song about peanut butter, train tracks, and tequila. I joined in. On the upside, he said he's totally fine with being on the drunk dial list from now on. Soooo, another tequila night??
There was a deer right in front of me when I came. Sex in the forest is awesome
As we were leaving a memorial service last night he turns to me and says, is it too soon for a post funeral blowie?
He told me he needed "space" but then goes and likes my insta of panacakes.. Done.
I'm a girl who met my last three bfs in gay clubs. Think I'm doing something wrong?
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