I don't know where I am, but I'm drinkin & I like these people
I haven't even gone in yet. I'm sitting in the waiting room playing a game i like to call "Who else is here for AA".
A donut and a mojito for breakfast...Helloooooo Derby Wekkend!
you got thrown out for pissing in a cup in the corner. you told one guy it was okay because you went to college and that he wouldn't understand
i just won "most creative" category in the condom contest in human sexuality by licking it onto a cucumber. my feedback forms included three phone numbers, one with a Magnum XL taped to it
There is a good chance that the other night after a wedding reception i was at that i mailed you a drink coaster.
She's popping painkillers like they're tic tacs and singing the soundtrack to dreamgirls. It's you're turn to babysit her.
The chick who threw the party was all pissed cause she thought I made out with her boyfriend. Admittedly, I did, but she was throwing up and crying at the time so she really can't be that mad.
My pubes were yanked out by the root when they got caught in the condom. I think it's time for a bikini wax.
Remind me to tell you a really funny story about me and arson.
We got to the second bar and all he kept saying was "I'm on an alcohol safari!" Best 21st birthday ever.
i'm not drunk or reckless enough to have you track my every fucking move. I AM AN ADULT
You are a super loving wife. But did you, at any point since Thanksgiving, slip me half your bottle of stool softeners?
My hairdresser won’t do keratin treatments because of the toxins, but will put ecstasy up her butt at festivals...
I can get weed and taco bell delivered but frozen peas and a loaf of bread are just too scarce, what the hell is wrong with people?
Randomize
