I think i ate a live goldfish last night. that i caught with my hand in a kiddie pool. my stomach really hurts.
Dude it was awful. I woke up with more strippers in my dorm room than those duke lacrosse kids.
I think I can smell my own vagina right now
she said she'd blow me if I bought one of her sorority raffle tickets. Goddamn it's gettin easy
Friday was tragic. I was naked on top of him and he didn't have a condom. Oh and he had an Obama poster on the wall in front of his bed so our president was staring down at me while I was naked. I felt sorta bad.
You should've just screamed yes we can!
I think he may have overheard our "how much coke would you fuck me for" conversation last night...
Just suggested things for my dad to get my mom for Christmas in terms of "yeah you'll get laid."
How would one go about tricking someone into chugging an entire bottle of tequila?
Power hour was a bad idea. It turned into power 4 hours, then power puke. Then power sleep till 3.
Completely smashed, masturbating to the view of the ocean. Family vacations are more tolerable than I thought
Obviously a higher power wants us to be sunday drunk together
After I was arrested and in the back of the squad, she lit a cig. I politely stuck my head through the glass opening and asked for a drag. She instantly slammed my head back, blew smoke at me and shut the glass. My view on state trooper chicks is forever tainted.
Have bite marks on my arm where my temporary tat was Saturday night. Did someone try to bite Captain America or something?
One of the many mysteries surrounding the weekend...
One failed naked backward somersault off the bed and I realize - I either need to drink less or workout more. Perhaps both.
I'm tempted to randomly yell out 'SO HOW IS YOUR UNDERAGE GIRLFRIEND' but that would be callous
Randomize
