I'm so hungover And my mouth is so dry it feels like my tongue is wearing a sweater
I'm so excited for this wedding, I feel like a school girl about to get finger launched on the dance floor at the sadie hawkins dance
you said grace in the diner. 5am, drunk, grace. you thanked the man w the mushroom cut for the wonderful supply of screwdrivers
No, he will live forever, like cockroaches and Jack Bauer.
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I think the duck is in my room. You have no idea how much worse a duck makes a hangover
Look if 10 am was too early to go barrel tasting the winery would not be open.
Just so you know, classy bitches change the morning after in a CVS bathroom.
My heart is swelling with pride right now. I fucking love you.
How is there no taco emoji?! That's some bullshit.
Just do it. I grew some lady balls and did it last year. It's your turn. Time to show what you're made of. Hit it or quit it.
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You're 34. You can't make guys wait till the third date anymore. Step it up!
Why is there never any toilet paper at his apartment? What does he wipe his ass with? WHAT DOES HE WIPE IT WITH?!?
Nothing to be ashamed of. I bet Oprah has sharted.
Apparently when cookies are around I think of myself as a puppy and reward myself for everything #WhoIsAGoodBoy
I SHOULD BE TERRIFIED OF HIS DRAGON DICK.
You remember my neighbor with the perfect ass? It's even better in assless chaps.
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