I know they r crazy. However porn on a big screen is an easy commitment. They come with mute, stop, fast fwd and replay buttons. if only all women came that way...
Last night I had a dream we played Uno and had sex. You won at Uno, but you lost at sex.
I woke up on the side of the highway to the ppl in orange jumpsuits cleaning to comunity service. Not sure which freaked them out more... Finding a dead b ody or me not being dead
So chef boyardee smells exactly the same after you throw it up
i literally discovered the exact same thing last week. i had the lasagna one
ravioli
you tried to pee on a squirrel and everyone saw. you've got some serious untagging to do
Do you think she hates me because I thought her roommate's name actually was Butterface?
When you wake up in your dorm right outside your room with the key in the door, then you will understand my pain.
Change of plans I'm coming home and shotgunning all the beer we have.
Holy shit, you lost your virginity on 11/11/11. Now every time someone fucks you, they can make a wish. Your vagina has officially been transformed into a wishing well.
Jameson and I invented street rugby last night. Yeah
If you need us, Zoe and I will be on my kitchen floor drinking Gatorade and crying
I told you when I started the only reason I was gonna coach your kids soccer team was that I could meet all the hot soccer moms. So why are you so mad I slept with your ex?
My ass is underappreciated
K. The dog and I are outside. The Uber driver said "I hope he fucks the shit out of you"
Come over. Bring drugs. My sister is making cookies. She took Valium. They should be badass cookies.
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