insurance, jail, and birth control were made for people like us.
I dinstinctly remember making out to "I believe I can fly" and waving my arms like a bird to the beat.
i just found a cheeto on my floor and ate it. i might still be drunk.
when i start to cry when i lose at mario kart is when you should put me to bed
I took us ten minutes to realize the shower sex going upstairs was the reason the kitchen ceiling was flooding.
dude. this chick is staring at me like i gave her brother herpes.
Some random walked into our tent, woke her up and said "Harry Potter must not go back to Hogwarts!"
my dad is now demonstrating how to start a fire with a tampon. happy fucking new year!
Well, we won the drunk before noon contest!
Well I'm missing half a toenail if that's any indication of my night
You're the third Mark I've fucked in that bed.
CAPS.LOCK.AND.SPACEBAR.ARE.BROKEN.
My vagina is very pro this idea
Where'd you go?
Laundry, im. A responsible drunk
Do you think he will let me wear my neck fan while he throws my back out?
Please shut the fuck up.
Randomize
