You can spell. I can kill people with no remorse. We all have our skills.
Encyclopedia Brown and the case of the missing condom.
I hope Brown isn't a clue to its whereabouts.
He started telling people I was Stephen Hawking's son. When that didnt fly he switched to Tony Romo's cousin
Stealing vibrators from Walmart together was when I realized you'd be my Maid of Honor.
Im positive, your name was on my abdomen, Im pretty sure thats solid evidence
Haha, oh man. I'm awake now. Slept in my headdress.
Just saw the guy I slept with last night in a bar. He gave me a high five and kept moving
Eye drops are like seatbelts of being high. Think about it
Is there a classy way to tell him that to thank him for his service I would like to put his dick in my mouth?
"Happy Veterans Day! Now pull down your pants."
I haven't had an orgasm since 2014. So you cam see why I'm having a bad year.
I tried to get more sleep but the universe decided I needed a drunken freshman instead
PSA- Wearing assless chaps results in embarrassingly painful sunburn
Does it count as a threesome if your friend drunkenly has sex on top of you while you're passed out?
Just packed vodka and spare underwear into my purse- totally set for watching the hockey with him tonight
I couldnt face her after that wonderful, terrible blowjob. Made a rope out of towels and climbed out her bathroom window.
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