If that ambulance is off to save our dignity, please tell them it's too late...
47 days without vaginal penetration. Im pretty sure it's grown over.
Do you realize that if your cunt was a missing person it would be assumed dead?
I woke up this morning and saw that I had transferred $0.75 from my savings account to my checking account.
You know how hard it is to drive a dirtbike down a road with 2 plants of weed on your lap. Fucking hard
The cops said we could pay $250 or spend the night in jail and get 2 free meals. I might pee in mail-boxes more often
I'm going on a valentine's date with the random guy i hooked up with in the bar bathroom this weekend...i feel like julia roberts
I think he's having people over to watch him get way too drunk again
We fed him just...so many bright colored crayons when he was blacked out. I hope he looks at his shits because this could be all for nothing
I just walked away from a youth soccer tournament popping every birth control pill I had left in the pack.
I got into the shower with my underwear on. I just sat down in the tub and tried to figure out when I lost all control of this hangover.
Would you still love me if my nipple fell off?
Her weave came out on the dance floor. She was twerking and shaking one minute and her hair flew across the dance floor the next. Great way to be introduced to the family
It's a little hazey but I think I tried to request Nelly last night. There was no dj. Not sure who I was talking to
Is 10AM too early for pizza and Dr. Pepper?
Only if 5PM is too early to be drunk. And when has that ever stopped us?
It was funny for a while but 3 days later I still can't walk and I've constructed a diaper-like contraption to hold the ice pack on my vagina.
Randomize
