I think i sorta joined a cult last night
names aren't important. just tell him all you want is a lil make out sesh and keep it moving.
I learned an important lesson last night: Jameson giveth, but Jameson also taketh away.
Cruelly.
That fucking fat Asian kid that NOBODY invited is stuck in the dryer again
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She came to the party dressed as slutty elmo and then called me oscar the grouch for not wanting to bang her in the dumpster outside.
she is way to in-touch with her childhood
am i gonna have visuals on this?
you are gonna see the trees puking up fireworks and ninja pheonixes will shit rainbows and fire
Jesus christ it's been two texts and we are already talking about dildos
There are only four things in life that are certain. 1 Death, 2 Taxes, 3 The wu tang clan aint nothin to fuck with, and 4 you will never be more important than taco bell
We just banged and he's microwaving shrimp noodles and I'm eating tostitos alone in the dark this is why our relationship works
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Nothing kills the mood quicker than kneeing him in the face during sex
Worst. Date. Ever. He peeled a layer of bread off his mini burger buns because they had "too many carbs".
He suck his junk in my HALF BAKED. Ben & Jerry would totally disapprove. This is worse than sticky dick donut day.
Dear sober self, your keys are on the table in front of you the only way your typing this is with autocorrect goodnight love you
When we get drunk one of us ends up running off and fucking someone in an inappropriate place, like the roof of the restaurant, or Greece, while the other convinces people not to worry and not to go looking. That good sir is a real mother fucking friendship.
Thats what I'm talking about
you pulled out seven eyelashes and made me count them multiple times whilst crying hysterically.
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