3:26am: come over
you purposely dodge me and you could have stopped me from leaving, you know how far i live. YOU come over
4:11am: mnlodp
dude I don't understand hebrew and I'm not coming over
i have to start hiding my credit card when i drink i woke up this morning with 4 emails from Farmville telling me i spent over $800 on coins last night
I voted for him because his wife supports his raging sex life.
she's crying and begging for her chapstick and insisting on walking home...her every thursday ritual
I have officially tracked lube all over our house on the bottom of my socks without knowing it. Don't slip when you come in
So hung over, I told one of the candidates she's hired if we can turn the lights off and take a nap instead of doing her interview. I feel like she has potential.
I feel like I have heartburn in my nipples.
Why do i feel like Captain Hook just gave me a pap smear?
how did operation slutty penguin go?
pretty epic. there was a guy who was also dressed as a penguin. i asked him if he would keep my eggs warm while i went fishing for the winter
Do you think if I tell the hot Santa at work that I want a sugar daddy for Christmas that he'll get the hint?
She's on her period. You don't know what fear is.
Dude, you need better judgement.Trust me I know. I put my dick in the wrong mouths all the time
This guy knew what he was doing. Most guys can't find the spot even if it shot off a flare and played a kazoo.
Yeah I either headbutted a street sign while texting or I defended you two from an evil gang of nazi muggers. I was black out so I am gonna assume it was option b.
I pointed at him and said “there goes mr fuckwad”
Randomize
