What are these yellow papers in the kitchen?
These are the tickets we got last night.
Did i sign this one as Grizzly Bear?
Yes...yes you did.
Do you ever make guys send you dick pictures just cause it's hilarious?
Just set a new record on Need For Speed at the arcade. Had to enter Tiger Woods as the name.
you fucking puked into the top of the beer bong while i was chugging from it. when i realized i was chugging your vomit, i vomitted on the floor. she kicked us both out.
My girlfriend and my fuck buddy both started their periods this weekend. The good news is, neither of them are pregnant. The bad news is, I'll have to find someone else to fuck til next weekend. No wait.....that's good news too.
My life is a requiem composed in the key of fuck.
Hne relally is a cite oerfect gome. Nes awddddddddooooome.
And before you get all mad cause I said "nipples," I actually discarded "you are so wet right now" and "you have such a raging clit-on right now."
That's called being sensitive.
They didn't have a "sorry I was late for your birthday party because I was getting arrested" card.
I have the starring role in a literal shit show.
I've been there a week.. I'd rather all my coworkers not know that I'm already sleeping with my boss.
That sounds promising. I'm twerking to human nature.
Your ex roommate is making out w the kid who pees on floors and it's kinda funny
He just turned down phone sex for hockey and I'm so relieved I'm fucking a straight guy that I'm barely even mad
I'd invite you over to drink but then I wouldn't be drinking by myself.
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