FYI-Owning a kitty significantly lowers your chances of ever seeing mine...
i just farted in a meeting....took me completely by surprise.
so you made the shocked face and they caught you.
yup.
she said 'i love fried rice', threw a condom at me and passed out naked.
Just walked in and was handcuffed to a police woman. Fire fighter woman poured franzia down my throat. Aaaaand I just ate cookies off of Little Red Riding Hood's tits.
So I'm seriously debating forwarding these sexts to his horse faced new gf including the ones that say he still loves me... but I still need his check to clear... decisions decisions
Just orgasmed in traffic. Starting to have feelings for my commute.
I kinda wanna eat your hands right now.
Put down the everclear and go to bed.
Would it be sharing too much to tell you that my nipples hurt so much that I couldn't comfortably go down the stairs?
If you can count on one hand the number of times you have actually, truly nearly died this month, then you are not really living yet.
The weed is temporarily burning the grammar section of my brain library.
I did something similar high once. I stopped like 30 feet in front of a stop sign because I felt like it was running towards me and I started crying. Got out my car and hugged it and told it not to run away people need it.
Someone with the Instagram name "hymenbreaker" just liked a photo of me and my grandma. I feel ashamed.
1. My arms are cement 2. I wish dogs could answer the phone
Well if homeless lesbian experimenting divorcée is your new M.O., you're gonna need to start drinking more anyway so if that's what it takes to talk about it tomorrow afternoon, bottoms up bitch
This bird just went for my eyes. Does he think I'm dead???
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