ha. weirdest feeling ever. just wiped my ass with my non-dominant hand. (eating cheeseburger with right one)
Your grandmother is in heaven weeping.
I don't know what's more sad having a rewards account at a liquor store or already racking up 273 dollar points since january
Still can't believe they give people like us a drivers license and college degree.
Last night you sang a duet with a gay man posing as a straight man posing as nicole kidman; your life lacks neither color nor texture:)
The next time you try to drunkenly strip me in public let's make sure it's not anywhere near the daiquiri factory or a group of police officers.
I desperately wanted to wear your shirt.
Babe.. You are farting in your sleep and it literally smells like something crawled up your asshole and died.. I'm gagging and I feel like I'm eating your fart right now. I want to tape your ass cheeks shut and plug up that canon you call your ass. All I hear is snores and farts.. You are lucky I love you
I don't know how or when he is sober long enough to donate plasma
That was the night, like, my hair caught on fire...
How did you not realize the handbrakes were stuck?
I thought I was just out of shape.
I was gonna start crying but as he was asking me for my info i saw him eyeing my rack. So I sorta started pushing them together. He asked me to get out of the car he made me turn around so he could check me out and then he said and I quote "okay ma'am. Everything is fine, I'm going to let you off with a warning. Next time if you're not wearing yoga pants you might not be as lucky" I am blessed.
So I woke up really sad and then I looked in the cabinet and there was weed and now I'm not sad anymore
I have a cat for love and a booty call for sex. What else could I need?
Yeah, great now I will be tampon girl
You ghosted you're own booty call. Wow what a sad sad man.
QUIT BEING A BITCH, DRINK SOME PEPTO, AND PUKE ON OUR FOES
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