I woke up fully clothed on top of my sheets and i didnt even pee myself..so proud.
the semester is winding down: time to procrastinate by googling cheap keg options
i knew she was high when she broke up the cookies into her glass of milk and ate it like cereal
I just got a ticket for the snow penis we made in our front yard.
I'm looking at pot farms on google earth. Google should be proud I found a real purpose for it to serve.
I don't remember her name, all I remember is trying to suck the wedding ring off her finger.
just saw a former disney star do a keg stand. her life choices have improved.
I been sleeping but occasionally wake up feeling like tiny elves are in my throat ripping my esophagus to shreds with their bare hands.
Somehow, you made that sound extremely magical and not at all painful.
Hey, the point is, I have 3 guys to fuck to get over the last one. It's my golden rule. You told me to find a hobby! It translated as "find another guy".
That is the opposite way I told you to find a hobby.
If you die first, I'm going to sleep with a pallbearer at your funeral.
He accidentally opened the car door during sex and all the lights came on. Needless to say, that kid passing by who was walking his dog got scarred for life.
I just really don't even know what I would do with a boyfriend... Like do I just kiss it and then leave it in the corner? Like how often does it eat??
You were wearing a sequin mini, with Tevas. And you still got laid.
Let's be real, he was never going to be tall enough
Listen all I know is that mistakes were made and she stole the car and drove half an hour for food at 4 am
Randomize
